If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?

Like all of my friends, she’s a lousy judge of character.

If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever.

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

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